So, if you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll be well aware by now that I’ve recently left a job and turned my hand to writing – something that’s like therapy for me in a dark period of my life while I figure out what I really want to do.
I believe I’ve undergone a ‘shift’ in consciousness. A deeper-found love and understanding for the spiritual world and a sudden interest in what the universe has to offer. I suddenly want to meditate. I want to slow down my thought process. I want to be mindful. I want to listen. I want to have deep conversations about spirituality. I want to be calmer, more collected and less fearful. I want to listen to soothing music and Indian flutes and really focus on the present moment, what I’m doing, how I’m doing it and feel at peace with myself.
It didn’t start out like this. In fact, for the last five weeks, I convinced myself that I was depressed. If I’m depressed then how could I suddenly have such a yearning to be more spiritual? How can I feel God’s presence every time I speak to him, know that he’s there and how is it that what I’m praying for is appearing right in front of me? It mightn’t have been on a shiny gold plate at the time, but I’m sure as hell stronger for what happened. I can’t be depressed? I can’t let myself get depressed. I love my life too much, my friends, my family and even though things were and still are SHIT, I still have hope.
I found a website, owned and created by Jim Tolles called spiritualawakeningprocess.com. He speaks in great depth about how a spiritual awakening comes after something horrible happens, and the person has tremendous amounts of pain.
How My ‘Shift’ Began
I walked out of a well-paid dead-end job which was, I think, the turning point in my spiritual path which has been happening for the best part of a year but only truly revealing itself to me now. I still don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do with my life. It’s only been a month, and I still feel like a failure. I don’t currently have any goals because I don’t know how to create goals when I don’t know what to do. I feel ‘dead’ inside. My mind is blank when I think about the things that I enjoy and my passions, yet it’s full of noise when I reflect on past conversations which I wish I could have changed or how I will live with my future self if I don’t think of something to do as soon as possible. Because, even at the ripe age of 24, I feel like I’m running out of time!
At first, my heart was gut-wrenchingly heavy. My heart hurt, and it was in pain of what happened. I had headaches. I was negative. Nothing in my life was going according to plan. Moments of bliss and calm were followed by long bouts of negativity and crying. I didn’t even want to be around me, so why would anyone else want to be around me? I wanted to take my brain out my head and take a break from myself, my mind and my thought process.
I don’t want to resist any feeling anymore, I’m open to spiritual guidance, and I want to know where I can find it. All I know is I feel different. I feel sorry for old work colleagues and friends who work for huge corporate firms, just another cog in the machine, working endlessly and churning.
I look back at myself, even five weeks ago, and I don’t feel connected to that person anymore. There’s still a part of her left, don’t get me wrong. Caterpillars don’t turn into butterflies overnight. But all I know is that this new person, this new me, wants to rid myself of the old me completely.
I’ve more recently begun seeing a personal trainer. Fed up with my cardio attempts and long bouts spent on the treadmill and the cycling machine, I gave into the Instagrammers filling my news feed weight-lifting videos and toning up exercises and decided to see what the fuss in lifting weights was all about. Yet another sign of my spiritual awakening without knowing it.
I’ve even likened my mind to Phoebe in Friends when she runs recklessly through the park. It’s probably the most accurate description of what my brain looks like 24/7.
I go out less now, which, in turn, means I drink less and feel better. My social life? Yes, it’s calmed down but so have I and I’m beginning to feel more at peace with myself. I’m not gonna lie through, all this change means I’ve had to cut people out and really evaluate the toxic friendships that I was partaking in.
How long has this been going on for?
I’ve read numerous blog posts, articles, and websites about how a spiritual awakening can take months or even years. I’ve believed in God my whole life so why is this only happening now? I won’t talk in depth about religion because, more so now than ever, it causes death, destruction, and controversy. This to me is ironic because religion is formed on a person’s love, admiration and worship of a higher power.
If you’re spiritual, my understanding is that you don’t have to believe in God, but you do believe in a higher being beyond the realms of this universe.
All I know is that I don’t want it to go away. I’m still going through the motions of it all. I don’t want to resist anything – I’m open to spiritual guidance, and I want to know where I can find it. I’m afraid that my former self will destruct this new me because my former-self was erratic, impatient and I’m still these things, but I don’t want to be these things. I want to rid myself entirely of impatience: I want to be calm, and I want to face my fears and confront situations.
I do yearn and want to speak to people more spiritually, but I feel that even they will not truly get what I’m going through. Every spiritual journey is different: every thought, every feeling is unique. I want to tell everyone about my journey, I want to run out into the road and scream at the top of my lungs that this is happening to me and in the best way possible I feel blessed, I feel privileged, I feel chosen. But I haven’t been selected at all. I’ve woken up, and I want so desperately for my friends and family to wake up too! I want to do a million things at once, but I have to trust the process.
Going Against the Crowd
I’m going, to be honest, it’s not nice waking up every day and asking yourself what the hell you are gonna do with your life. I do feel incomplete, but I need to grow and learn first. Am I in a limbo period? I most certainly am! Does it bother me? Yes and no. It bothers me because I don’t want to be ok, I don’t want to be good or mediocre, I want to be GREAT. And guess what? I AM great! This is my journey to greatness, and I’m grasping it with both arms. I don’t want to let it go. This is just the beginning. My body tingles with excitement, energy, and vibe doesn’t lie. This is where I’m meant to be, and this is what I’m intended to be doing.
My biggest fear, even today, is doubting my own creativity – not being as creative as other people around me. Looking at the great Erik Kessels (CEO of Kessels Kremer: one of the world’s most creative agencies) for example, he wrote a book called ‘FAILED IT! How to turn mistakes into ideas and other advice for successfully screwing up.‘ He’s failed at everything imaginable in the creative industry but managed to build an empire in the midst of it all. Why? Because he never gave up!
You might even be reading this and thinking that I’m talking complete shit and everything I’m saying is ‘mumbo-jumbo,’ but let me ask you this: Has a negative outlook on life or a negative thought ever brought you success? Up to the moment when you decide to turn to these negatives into positives, it’s pretty much been a rough sorrowful ride until one day your brain clicks, and you tell yourself that you don’t want to be like that anymore. I resisted these thoughts for over two years. For two years I sat behind a computer desk wondering if anyone had these thoughts. I thought they would go away, but they manifested and infected my brain on a daily basis.
I would regularly Google the impact that sitting down for prolonged periods of time haunted me. To think that I started out at 22 and would work until I was 60 in a potential office job scared the life out of me!
Eyes sore and strained from looking at the computer. Headaches. Mind block. Sore back. Pins and needles. Not to mention the silence. No one spoke to each other. My manager emailed me and was right beside me. Covering their own backs. In the world of business, yes this is the process, this is correct and follows proper procedure. But it a world of HUMAN existence are we not beyond the realms of our computers? Always plugged in. Computers can’t speak nor communicate the way a human can so why do we choose to live like this?
Overcoming the Storm
I was previously jealous of friends who all appeared to be doing well in their jobs, getting the promotions and pay rises that they’d been working towards. Although I was happy for them, I couldn’t help thinking that I was going backward recklessly without a clue, nor hint of where I would end up next. I now know that being great and getting to that level is not going to happen overnight; it might not even occur in the next year or two years, but the little bit of work, hope, and positivity that I exert into each living day will lead me to exactly where I need to be. Destination: Unknown.
Doing Things Now That Need to Be Done
Whether it’s your laundry, taking the bin out or changing your bed sheets. Do it NOW. It takes 5 minutes. Stop putting things off.
Learning How to Not Pass Judgment
I still find myself passing judgment on others in my own head, and I want to stop. When a bad thought about someone I don’t even know enters my head, and I stereotype someone, I tell myself to stop. I don’t know them, and I don’t know anything about them, so what right to I have to judge them? None. I guess that’s what growing up in Western society has made me do subconsciously. Well, I’m telling my subconscious to STOP.
Healing The Mind And Body Daily
When I watch YouTube videos about spirituality and read the comments and, more recently, follow spirituality and healing pages on Instagram, they filter out the negativity. It’s nothing but peace, love, and kindness in the comments section. Instantaneously, like-minded people are brought together even by a simple positive quote. There is no hate or adversity, and immediately I feel better. I feel positive and good about the day ahead. I read little quotes and comments like this throughout the day to always remind myself that there is still good in the world and people like me feel the vibrations and the goodness and are brought to the same page I am seeking, the same love and light.
Writing doesn’t earn me any money, (so far, anyway) but does it give me satisfaction, a sense of freedom and priceless happiness that I haven’t touched upon before? Yes, it does. On the rare occasions when my boss did congratulate me on a project I’d done well or something I’d executed brilliantly, the ‘well done’ high was as short-lived as saying the two words out loud. Because it was on to the next project, assignment and looming deadline and the fear that if you didn’t get a ‘well done’ this time that the work wasn’t as good as your last and therefore your performance was slipping, and you weren’t on the path to success.
Sure, this might seem a tad dramatic, but in the realms of this culture, it’s okay to think like this. One step out of line and your heart pounds with panic because you might get a disciplinary or worse, fired. People were hired and fired every day in the company so you can understand why I was ‘on edge’ all of the time. The weekends were the worse. The dread, the ‘Sunday Scaries,’ fuelled by anxiety, fear, and desolation about Monday morning.
So You’re ‘Cured’?
Not exactly. Do I still feel worthless at times? You bet I do. But I bring myself back and remind myself I’m exactly where I need to be and even thinking about my former self and former life is enough to make me positive again. Being spiritual isn’t about being happy 24/7, it’s about realizing that even amongst all the bad stuff that may be going on in your life, that there is still hope and you just have to believe that the Universe will give back if you let it in.
I don’t want to watch TV, I want to read, I want to re-educate myself. I feel like a child that’s learning to walk for the first time. I don’t know the first thing about what all this means. How do I fully know that I’m going through an awakening? I’m just an ordinary 24-year-old woman, but I can feel it, and I’m open-minded to the great things that are happening to me.
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