To honour Sundays (hangover cuddle day) I’ve decided write about my 24 years on this earth as a singleton. I’m 24, and I’ve never had a boyfriend. (What a loser eh?) I’m hardly ‘old, ‘ but I don’t know any another person in my life right now who’s not ever been in a relationship like myself or currently not in one… ok maybe my 12-year-old cousin. In fact, I’ve not even been close to sealing the deal with anyone. Oh, I know what you’re thinking: she definitely sleeps around. The short answer is NO. In fact, I’ve not even kissed a guy since April last year. You know why? No, I’m not frigid, nd I’m not a virgin; I simply cannot be bothered.
Sure, I’ve had Tinder and Bumble. I’ve even (embarrassingly) been on Plenty of Fish. But after you download these apps for the 3597358th time, routinely on a Sunday, when you’re feeling a bit fragile from Saturday night’s debauchery and want a cuddle, you feel instant regret.
You don’t really want this guy to come over, even though you say you do. It’s 7 o’clock on a Sunday night, you haven’t even showered today. There’s some sticky leftover rice on a plate under your bed from the Chinese you ordered earlier. You’ve probably got Sudocrem on your face to save it from being completely dried out by alcohol from the night before.
All you need right now is for someone to say: ‘Hey Beautiful’; because the way you look and feel certainly doesn’t reflect that; and, hey, you deserve to feel good about yourself especially on a hangover/comedown. You chat for a while, flirt back and forth, there might even be a cheeky nude photo sent, then you call it a night.
Monday morning comes: it’s a new day, you forget you even were on Tinder last night. Lunchtime comes, you get a notification that you’ve matched with someone. Oh GOD. There’s no hiding it. Your phone was face up on the table. Everyone has seen. Now you have to answer the questions…
‘Ooohh, back on Tinder, I see? I knew you wouldn’t stay off it long’
‘Who you chatting to?’
‘What’s his name?’
‘Where’s he from?’
‘What’s his address?’
‘What’s his date of birth?’
‘What’s his star-sign?’
….You get the picture. And so, another sheepish reply: ‘Oh I was just seeing if anyone new caught my eye on there last night’. And the app gets deleted again. Goodbye, Josh, 26, Stockbroker from London.
I only ever dated one person from Tinder for a short while and I was using the app for around seven months. Whilst my profile was present, I spoke to people. My intention was never to properly get involved with anyone. I guess, in hindsight, I just wanted a morale boost. I’d also gone around three years without even going on a date, so I was pretty keen to see if the dating game had changed and was curious to see if I was missing out on anything. Turns out, nothing had changed since my early twenties and I didn’t really enjoy dating. I know what you’re thinking: What does this girl expect? A helicopter ride to Rome? No, I don’t, but something adventurous beyond dinner, drinks and the cinema would be nice.
I’ve now weaned myself off all dating website and am maintaining the view that I’ll ‘find someone when I least expect it’, as the old saying goes.
I enjoy my own company far too much right now, spending the weekends with my girlfriends, going to the gym and reading and writing in the spare time I do have. And do you know what? That’s ok with me. I love my life. I love my own company. I wasn’t put on this earth to chase after fuckboys who may or may not be a catfish.