Not The Person I Was

I’ve had some terrible thoughts lately that have made me realize that I’m not okay. In turn, I’ve realized that it’s okay to not be okay. I’ve been making a conscious effort to get my life ‘back on track’ for the last 2 months. Trying to ‘chill out,’ ‘calm down,’ read and write. But something happened in the middle of last week which turned my positive thinking, and good thoughts about the future on its head and actually had me question my own sanity because the thoughts I was having were ludicrous. 

I’ve been reading Rhonda Byrne’s book called, ‘The Secret‘ that goes into detail about the ‘Law Of Attraction.’ One of the methods using the Law Of Attraction, asks us to visualize what we want, and visualize receiving it and thus receive it. But my mind is plagued with negativity and imagining the absolute WORST in every situation. I surround myself with positive quotes and tirelessly read forums and articles about mindfulness, positivity and staying calm online but there are days when I can’t rid myself of the negativity.  My thought process is a downwards staircase spiraling out of control.

I won’t go into detail, but it’s saddened me that all the progress I thought I was gaining from having a job that was ‘stress-free’ and gave me time to heal, came crashing down. This in turn, also enlightened me to the fact that I’m still not in a good place at all and although negative thoughts came rushing back with devil on my shoulder whispering, ‘Are you kidding me, of course, you haven’t made any progress, how naive’, I still had God on my other shoulder shouting, ‘You can do it, I’m here for you.’

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Yesterday I googled ‘How to tell if you’re depressed’ and a lot of the symptoms I’d read about were strikingly similar to going through a Spiritual Awakening. How am I supposed to tell the difference between the two? I’ve told myself for so long that I’m experiencing a spiritual awakening, and yet I still do not know my purpose. My negative thoughts took over, and now I believe I’m depressed. I will come back to this later when my head is more clear, and I have answers of my own.

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Alcohol 
My sadness and desolation all stem from one common denominator; Alcohol. I stayed clear for about 2 months up until recently, drinking small quantities and even then felt bad for going near the stuff as I was trying to cleanse my body and stay sharp. I drank 2 weekends in a row because it was my birthday. I honestly feel like my body is rejecting it somehow. I want to stop altogether. After a weekend of drinking, I lie in bed, sleep all day, cry, depressed, no focus on wanting to do anything apart from hating life and who I’ve become. From ONE silly weekend of drinking. I know I need to give it up. And I will.

The Need For MORE
I have to do something, my brain is in overdrive. I’m doing the same mundane shit day in, day out, (waitressing) waiting for some glimmer of hope to arrive on my doorstep. I focus on tiny mistakes that I make in my day-to-day job that it paralyzes me to further my career in anything because if ‘I can’t do something as simple as waitressing then how CAN I ever do anything?’  I have the same conversations with my friends, moaning and groaning about how ‘I’m dead inside,’ ‘I don’t know what to do with my life,’ ‘my heads a mess’ and ‘I have no purpose.’

I shut down people’s advice when they suggest the jobs I would be good at. I moan about how I’m ‘not that into that kind of thing’ and how ‘it doesn’t excite me.’ Firstly, how do I know it doesn’t excite me? And secondly, my close personal friends are suggesting these things, which means they think I will be good at them. Why CAN’T I just take a chance?

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How can I even begin to start something new when I’m afraid that I won’t like it in 6 months and have to start over again? I’m terrified of making mistakes and losing a job again. I’m terrified of even starting anything new because I’m setting myself up to be a failure, but I know I HAVE to. I HAVE to do something! My body and brain shake with hunger and thriving because I HAVE to focus on something that will be productive. But I don’t know what that is! And it’s incredibly frustrating. I am a master at nothing.

I’ve been stupidly sitting around waiting for some kind of breakthrough. I am the one who has to make a decision. I’ve been so focused on making the RIGHT decision and doing the RIGHT thing that I’ve been putting making any sort of decision off. Why does it matter if I fail again? Why does it matter that if I make a wrong decision? At least I’ll have tried, tested and failed at something instead of staying stuck in one place.

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope.”
Thomas Merto
What Next?

I’ve mentioned in the past that writing is largely therapy for me. I would like my writing to go somewhere because I want recognition but I don’t know the first thing about getting it out there. I’m scared and embarrassed that people will laugh or take offense. The whole point of this blog was to voice the thoughts going on in my mind, but I feel insignificant to the 1o’s of thousands of other amazing writers out there who I think are better than me (yet, more negativity.)

A friend of mine suggested that I ask my PT how to get into PT’ing. Sport, in general, has been a large part of my adult life and something my friend said I was ‘exceptionally good at.’ Again, I groaned at the conversation and whimpered, ‘I can hardly do the stuff he tell’s me to do nevermind teach someone else to do it’ and ‘I’m not really interested in taking it any further.’ Why am I not interested? Because I’ve already set myself up for failure. The awkward positions that each move requires, the mass knowledge on diet, macros, and food puts me off. How can I so desperately want to learn something new if I have no patience for it?  I am my own worst enemy.

I need to take action, and it needs to be soon. Staying stuck is not an option. I can’t expect my life to magically work itself out simply by crying and complaining about it. Life doesn’t work like that. Everything requires action to be successful, and I crave to be successful.

I’m just taking each day as it comes. I’m totally fed up with my thought process and the way that my mind works, but I just have to learn to let my thoughts come and go. It’s mentally draining being someone that you weren’t only a few months ago. I had my sanity and I was working a steady job but all I can say is here’s to the future and may it be spectacular!

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