You know those moments of total cringe where you suddenly remember an embarrassing past-time that happened to you where you hit a ‘total beamer.’ Your face was the colour of a tomato, your hands were sweaty, you thought you would ‘never live it down’ (but you did.) Well, now they’ve come back to haunt you…
1. They come rightttttt before you’re about to drift off to sleep. You’re pretty snug and hoping to get an early night. You’d like to be thinking about getting that promotion at work you’ve been yearning for or how you’re gonna get up real early to gym it but nah your brain has decided to sporadically remember a cringeworthy sitch that’s got you thinking, ‘Where has that even come from’?
2. They usually contain a former ex and probably an embarrassing situation that happened more than once during sex… ‘oh no, not blood on the bed sheets again’ or ‘what was that noise, it sounded like a fart?’ You could even have missed called them 30 times after a night out and left a 3-minute long voicemail telling them that you still love them and signing off the call with wrenching vomit noises. Whatever embarrassing thing you did, whether it was 1 total cringe moment or a few, it’s all coming back to you now as you lie alone shriveling in your own awkwardness.
3. An early childhood memory will be in there also, probably from your school days. First prepubescent spot and then bam suddenly you’re covered in them hearing the faint taunts of ‘pizza face’ from the other students. Or you could have called one of your teachers ‘mom’ by accident in class, slipped on a banana skin or fallen flat on your schnoz in P.E (in front of the boys of course.) You probably don’t still speak to anyone from this period of time but you can’t help but wonder if they remember your embarrassing stint.
4. You lie there in total darkness knowing fine well your face is bright red and you’re cowering under the sheets, heart pounding thinking ‘Why oh why is this thought coming back to haunt me? Who am I? What an embarrassment I am to mankind. Why now? It’s 11.45 pm on a Tuesday evening and that happened a million years ago.’ (or thereabouts) Is it just me that has these random thoughts?
5. You wonder if people ever remember your embarrassing moment and actually visualize them telling other people, gathering around all laughing at your misfortune years later. Ex-boyfriends, school mates from back in the day or even somebody’s parents because you wet yourself at theirs during a sleepover; all of them grinning wryly at your expense… AGAIN.
6. You’re now sitting up right in total darkness thinking ‘will I ever sleep again?’ Embarrassing moments of your past are the only thing you can think about right now. One by one they all come sweeping in and suddenly you’re consumed. Remember that time you got your first period? embarrassing right? even though you knew what to expect you couldn’t help matching the colour of your face to the fluid in your pants.
8. You finally come to your senses and considering the ACTUAL eligibility of this ever happening, which is very low because they probably won’t remember and even if they did, it’s a funny blip of your misfortune in the past.