As I described in my first post, my head is full of what I can only describe as ‘noise.’ It’s like I can’t shut ‘me,’ off. I’ve never actually noticed before how annoying being ‘me’ actually is. Trying to make sense of everything that has been happening to me lately is draining.
I’m obsessed with the past; I look back and think how about the experiences, situations, and decisions I could have done differently. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I regret what I’ve done because it’s made me who I am today, but I can’t help wonder, what if I didn’t take that job and what if I had of just double checked that piece of work that I wrongly submitted and single-handedly destroyed a multi-million dollar company. (No, that didn’t happen but the way that, that particular situation was dealt with, I was made to feel like I did. Lol.)
OK. So I done everything right, I went to university, I got my 2.1, I even went on to do masters. I wouldn’t say I’m overly academic but growing up surrounded by people who were spurred me to further my education just that little bit more. Plus the sheer lack of learning or development attained from my bachelor’s course made me uneasy about stepping into the ‘real world’ because truth be told, I didn’t know the first thing about getting a job, what to apply for and I didn’t have experience in anything.
Both my degrees were in advertising, and I was sure that eventually, that was the industry that I wanted to go into. A little part of me still does, because I love being creative and would love to see a slogan I came up with on the side of a bus one day. The other side of me, however, wants to build my own brand and be the one on the side of a bus (ok, not that big) but I to create something for myself, not for someone else to use or take for their own merits and profits.
Somewhere along the line things didn’t work out. I don’t regret my decisions, I may deem them poor, but I wouldn’t be here today writing this if I didn’t make those decisions, no? I tried to get into advertising a bunch of times without maturation. I even made a creative CV, sent it around to a bunch of agencies and was sure my masters would help but I got tired of the rejection and the industry were smug hipster creatives who ‘thought they were better than everyone else’ (my own immature and ill thinking.)
I ended up in 2 marketing jobs which didn’t work out either. I’m now trying to find a path I can stick to and decide what I really want to do which is proving difficult alongside paying for a personal trainer and reaching my fitness goals, paying rent, writing a blog, having a full-time job as a waitress AND trying to see friends. It’s exhausting in all aspects, mentally, emotionally, physically and making sure my bank account is in check.
Stop Thinking About The Future
I’m also obsessed with the future. I worry that I’ll be trapped in the same dead-end job I am now in 5 years or that I won’t ever be truly fulfilled because I deem myself erratic, impatient and sporadic.
Being confident about the ‘future and stuff’ has to be the single hardest thing that I struggle with. Sure this comes quite naturally in my day-to-day because when the day comes, it’s not scary, it doesn’t make me feel anxious and the tasks I set myself for that day I get done, and I do them well. But setting long-term goals, thinking about the future and the need to be doing something productive right now fills me with anxiety and dread. I’m not where I want to be, and I don’t have a single clue of where I’m going! The best part is, I don’t even know where I want to be and I disappoint myself even more because surely I should have this figured out by now? Surely I should have some idea of where I ‘see myself in 10 years?’ Nope. I ask myself the same question every day, and I come up with two answers; I want to travel, and I want to make a difference. I need to make a difference. Money is nice; it buys you nice cars, nice houses, and nice clothes but making a difference, to even one person’s life, is priceless, and I want that.
Time Will Tell
Eventually, my moment will come to me, but I’ve got to be patient and yet open to trying new things. I can’t just expect everything to happen right away because I’ve got some personal development issues at the moment. My brain keeps telling me ‘quick, you need to do something to keep up with everyone else.’ I’ve come to terms that this journey (whatever it may be) doesn’t exactly work like that.
The Power Of Being Patient And Letting Go
All this ‘being patient’ stuff bode well with me at all, which brings full circle to my first point about my head being full of noise. Like I said, I’m positive going about my day-to-day activities, and I’m even positive that I will make a difference regardless of the scale that it actually will be, I’ve just got to keep channeling this. But then there’s that familiar devil on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, ‘what if’s,’ ‘buts’ and ‘maybes.’ ‘What If I don’t make a difference and waitress the rest of my life?’ ‘What if I’m filling my head with this positivity crap to make my miserable life fractionally better and keep going like this forever waiting for something to happen that never will?’
At the minute I’m setting small achievable goals, going with the flow, trusting my instincts and energy that comes in and out of my life every day. I try to not focus on the future because I can’t ever determine what will happen. I’m just trying to make the best out of every situation and saying yes (and no) where applicable.
Worrying doesn’t achieve anything in the short-term so letting go of the old is also something I’m trying so desperately to practice. Oh and not forgetting, the power of prayer. 😊🙏